Surgery prep; I’ll miss this shit

They paved Paradise and put up a parking lot…

I’ve been thinking about shit a lot lately. That’s not meant to say I am thinking about a lot of shit, although that is true as well. I do have a lot of things on my mind but what I mean to say is that there is a lot to be considered about the simple act of moving the bowels. I’ve never taken the time, until now, to really consider this.

There are few things in life as satisfying as a really good dump. Its even one of the three morning esses; Shit, Shave and Shower. The morning after a night of excess you can always tell when the hangover is gone by that first good crap. It defines an entire phase of Sigmund Freud’s theory of human development. It even measures how much we care about each other and our facebook posts; whether we give a shit or not.

Dr. Brown says I stand a 50/50 chance of never giving a shit again. If I wake up with the bump on the left instead of the right, it will mean for the rest of my life I will never know the simple pleasure of a satisfying dump. I find it a bit sad that my very last one might be a bout of extreme diarrhea caused by industrial strength laxatives in preparation for surgery.

I just can’t imagine that there will be any feeling of healthy emptiness from disposing of a colostomy bag. No “Ahhh, that felt great, now I can get on with my day”.

On the other hand, there will be no more rushing to find a bathroom in those urgent moments. I’ll never have to deal with bowel incontinence. No adult diapers for me!

So, what conclusion have I reached about this shitty subject? Alimentary my dear Watson; I give a crap about giving a crap. No Shit Sherlock!


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