Morphine is my friend

We’ve all been out in a blizzard or caught walking in a sudden pounding rain. Maybe challenged a long hard day of work or play and pushed the limits more than a little. What we remember best about those times is reaching the warmth, shelter, comfort and great food of home. What a wonderful, deeply meaningful word; home. I have never been so happy to wake up there.

I brought some things home from the hospital that I would rather have left there. Pain tops the list but it is so common now as to be normative. And I have opiates. The strange dreams are a mixed evil. I woke in the night to Stephen Colbert’s monologue amid images of my inner body parts magically changing places and shifting in and out. Later, those images included tiny mechanical replacement parts. My mind tells me there is a cure for cancer hidden in there while warning that it can’t be found among the confusion. The physical spasms caused by (or maybe creating) the dreams are not nice to wake up to when you’ve overslept your morphine dose.

I overslept my morphine dose. Overslept it. What I am telling you is I slept something like 6 hours. Be awestruck. I am so very happy to be home.

A very important lesson for today. Next time you get home from a week in the hospital with a brand new ileostomy and a sore bladder, make damn sure you drain both thoroughly before you enter your own warm comfy bed. You may oversleep your morphine dose and wake up with bulging bags inside and out. A very painful trip to the bathroom. It was worth it.

Something is missing. For years there has always been at least a slight discomfort when I sit down. Not always something I would even describe as painful. Just not comfortable. Its gone. Noticeably absent. A strangely wonderful feeling, or lack of feeling.

There are few things I dislike more than dwelling on the past, but today I am going to indulge myself. If I had only taken notice several years ago that I was wincing when I sat, riding a bicycle was uncomfortable, my stools were flat and ribbon-like. If I had simply listened one of the times I heard that men of a certain age should get a colonoscopy. Well,
listen to your bodies, people. Listen closely. The most subtle and gradual changes can have a lot more meaning than you might think. All you guys over 40… get tested. Go to a doctor and let them stick a camera up your ass. It might save you a world of hurt.

Indulgence complete. I’m going to go for a walk now.


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