My silently suffering, unconditionally supportive wife, Wendy, has broken her silence. She sat me down yesterday and delivered a well earned load of shit. Or she would have sat me down had I not already been laying down. That, in fact, was her point. She has been watching me stumble from bed to the couch and back to bed again for far too many days. She recognizes depression, weakness and surrender when she sees it, and she will not tolerate any of it. Clearly, I will stand and fight this cancer or any attempt to resist her strength and determination will make fighting cancer look easy.
She was absolutely right. I had allowed the negatives to pile up and push me into an acute depression. The chemo-sick, physical exhaustion combined with lack of information and a long spate of crappy weather had beaten me. I had given up, thrown in the towel and found myself a comfy spot on the couch to wait and die.
The worst of the chemo sickness is over for this round, I hope. Yesterday and Monday were the worst. I sure could use some practical advice on getting through the bad days without wanting to sink into oblivion.
If there are any doctors reading this, I need to tell you the profession must improve communication with patients. I sit here day after day knowing that stage 4 colorectal cancer means a two year survival rate 95% of the time. When tests, surgical results or other information exists, I need to know about it. Waiting until the eventuality of our next appointment just is not good enough. Good news or bad news. It makes no difference. In the absence of facts, my imagination is more than capable of filling the gaps with horrors and trepidation. Keep me informed so I know what the fight is all about. I’ll come up swinging every time if I know what the target is.
The weather has been my excuse for keeping my ass on the couch. Its too windy and rainy to take my sick body outside for a walk. After all, I can’t risk catching a cold, right? I need to get my soggy noggin past those thoughts and get my body moving again. Indoor exercise. What a novel concept. I’m starting today with some stretching and light aerobics. No more moping.
Thank you Wendy. I love you.