Nearly lost myself

My silently suffering, unconditionally supportive wife, Wendy, has broken her silence. She sat me down yesterday and delivered a well earned load of shit. Or she would have sat me down had I not already been laying down. That, in fact, was her point. She has been watching me stumble from bed to the couch and back to bed again for far too many days. She recognizes depression, weakness and surrender when she sees it, and she will not tolerate any of it. Clearly, I will stand and fight this cancer or any attempt to resist her strength and determination will make fighting cancer look easy.

She was absolutely right. I had allowed the negatives to pile up and push me into an acute depression. The chemo-sick, physical exhaustion combined with lack of information and a long spate of crappy weather had beaten me. I had given up, thrown in the towel and found myself a comfy spot on the couch to wait and die.

The worst of the chemo sickness is over for this round, I hope. Yesterday and Monday were the worst. I sure could use some practical advice on getting through the bad days without wanting to sink into oblivion.

If there are any doctors reading this, I need to tell you the profession must improve communication with patients. I sit here day after day knowing that stage 4 colorectal cancer means a two year survival rate 95% of the time. When tests, surgical results or other information exists, I need to know about it. Waiting until the eventuality of our next appointment just is not good enough. Good news or bad news. It makes no difference. In the absence of facts, my imagination is more than capable of filling the gaps with horrors and trepidation. Keep me informed so I know what the fight is all about. I’ll come up swinging every time if I know what the target is.

The weather has been my excuse for keeping my ass on the couch. Its too windy and rainy to take my sick body outside for a walk. After all, I can’t risk catching a cold, right? I need to get my soggy noggin past those thoughts and get my body moving again. Indoor exercise. What a novel concept. I’m starting today with some stretching and light aerobics. No more moping.

Thank you Wendy. I love you.


11 thoughts on “Nearly lost myself

  1. Anonymous

    Get out there with your poles!!! Go on the website and see Education – how to use your poles and try it!! I am glad you are expressing your feelings! I was beginning to worry! Love you



    I am no stranger to depression (as are many out there) and that condition is no fun.

    But even worse is the fact that depression will blind you to appreciating that there is always something to focus on that is NOT bad, awful or pitiful. You need all your strength to fight the cancer, chemo side effects and the monotony of being (feeling) trapped by the circumstances you find yourself in…Depression will sap that strength even faster that the cancer.

    Wendy is right! More importantly, your depression (valid as it may feel) is also her depression… Live life, even if it is only in tiny, momentary bits and pieces, everyday. This writing you do is a good indicator that there is a living, loving and real live George inside. Remember to let him out in some way, shape or form everyday.

    We are with you in this battle to BE and survive.


  3. Wendy sounds fantastic!!! Tell her she could be a fitness instructor. We need strong no nonsense women like her! If it helps you, I immediately started seeing a psychiatrist after my surgery. I was skeptical. I should not have been. It has been live saving and instructional. It has not cost me anything. Covered by OHIP. You should investigate what BC has to offer in that regard. At the very least it will get you out of the house. Glad you are off your ass and the couch. I’d tell you to ask your doctor if getting off your ass is right for you, but they barely communicate with you now. It’s the same here in Ontario. The only time I ever talked to doctors regularly without wait or impatience was in the US. So… on your bike then………

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You are absolutely right. Wendy is fantastic. I wonder if she’ll marry me again?

      I called the clinic today and made a counselling appointment. I was a social worker in the life before law so I don’t counsel so good but I’ll give it a shot. Should make for some good blogs if nothing else.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Exactly!! Great fodder for writing. You might be surprised at yourself as far as the counseling goes. For me, I just got tired of constantly downloading to my husband and sisters. I needed someone who was more objective and would call me on my bullshit.


  4. Man it sucks. It really does. Whether you have 2 months or 2 years or 10 years you can’t decide that. No one can. You CAN choose to make whatever time you have left as happy as possible. Happy cannot coexist with too much worry. It is so trite but you could still get run over by a bus tomorrow! Just because someone gave you a name for the thing that MIGHT kill you and a date when it MIGHT be doesn’t mean too much really. Thinking about it too much would make anyone crazy. Imagine if someone was told ‘in a year you will slip in the shower and die’ can you imagine? Its torture.

    You just have had a heads up that SURPRISE you are mortal. A reminder that it will end someday and we have to enjoy it while it lasts. Not waste it worrying or being sad for our dead selves. They way I see it, I’ll be dead, what will I know? It will be sad for my loved ones but people lose people they love all the time and the majority wrap that love
    up in their heart and find a way to go on. And they love again and they laugh again and they are OKAY. Am I making it worse? It is what works for me. And as for the crappy days well no advice I just stay in my jammies and wait for the days to pass knowing that they always do indeed pass and better days come along.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I cannot pretend to understand what you might be feeling, but I do know that people seem to fear the word cancer much more than other illnesses. Even heart disease. There’s no logical reason for this, but obviously in our societies cancer comes with its own theme tune, da da daaaaaaaaa!!! Could it be that more cancer would be treatable if it didn’t have this stigma? Yes, I mean the placebo effect.

    Excuse me for talking so bluntly but that is yet another problem with cancer, people can’t seem to openly talk about it. I can talk to my dad about his recent angioplasty in detail, but cancer, oh, da da daaaaa, can’t talk about that.

    I don’t know where I’m going with this but, well, of course you have to fight man! Just like if it was heart disease, you do what you have to. In addition, colds are transmitted by touch, so, if you don’t go out and touch every single door handle you come across, you won’t catch it. Fresh air will actually strengthen you. Fresh air filtered through rain, even better!

    Of course you’re gonna have your down days, but keep that butt exposed for the kicking when that bad day turns into two and three.

    Put the stigma, 2 year thing and all that to one side. Or if you insist on constantly having that on your head, don’t forget that you’ve been told you’re likely one of the 5% too. More importantly, listen to Wendy. She is the voice of reason. Move your body, fill your lungs with fresh BC air and take your own advice, take action!

    Liked by 1 person

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